Am I Condescending??

So, according to my coworkers, I'm condescending. I do not believe this to be true and I think it's ridiculous. I know that I may be a know it all and sometimes I am a bit of a nagger, but it's only to make sure things are done in the right manor. Apparently, if someone thinks they are right and I point out where they are wrong, that automatically makes me condescending. The main thing is I don't try to be condescending. I do think I can be sarcastic at times, but I think these things are separate.

I was told I do this thing with my face and place my hand near it and that's when people know I'm being condescending. I have no idea what this means, I actually think it's funny because I could probably think of ways I am condescending, but I hate people who act like that. I am not them!

I know/knew a lot of people who said that I think I'm high and mighty compared to them, or they think I am a mean person or totally careless and not sensitive to them. First, I hate when people tell me what I am thinking, because they surely know what I'm thinking. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Second and foremost, I am the complete opposite; yet, I have these reactions, apparently, I don't control or realize that I'm doing them. Don't get me wrong I definitely think some people make stupid or careless decisions, but I only think abut it when they ask me my opinions or ask me for money. To be honest I couldn't give one flying lick about what they do with their lives, I have my own life to live.

I live my life to my own standards, if I chose not to drink, that's my choice, not theirs to question me why I am doing so. I don't ask them why they would rather be hung over and not remember their previous night or not remember drunk dialing their ex. I just like to do what I want and say what I want to say. If you ask me a question I'm going to give you a straight up answer. If I am involved and your doing something wrong; I'm going to let you know the right way. Yeah, I know now you're thinking, THAT'S CONDESCENDING. However, in the end the only thing that matters is what I think of myself and I don't think I am condescending.

Life is Short

Today, on my way home from work, I saw a pigeon in the middle of the three lane road I took. The poor thing must have had a broken wing because as I was approaching it I noticed it hobbled along the road, even with cars coming close to it. I figured it would get out of the way before it would get hit; I kept going. As I noticed all the cars speeding behind me, I changed my mind and I wanted to go and try to help it. I didn't even go 100ft away from where the pigeon was in the road. I couldn't do a u-turn at the first light I approached so I had to go around which took maybe two minutes. I finally came back to where the pigeon was stopped. It was too late. It was dead. Flat on the road. I can only blame myself because had I been more selfless, as soon as I saw it I would have pulled to the side. I mean there were no cars behind me when I first immediately saw it. I could have just kept my car in the middle of the road until it made it to the curb safely. It only took two minutes, less than two minutes before a bird lost its life.

Life is precious and short. Life can be gone in any month of any year, any day of any week, any minute of any hour. Life can be gone any second.

The Masks We Wear

Sometimes I get so sick of feeling like I can't be myself, I want to embrace life for all it has to offer. I don't know what makes me feel like I am, like I am less than. I have always felt the need to block other people out of my life. It was always to make sure I couldn't be hurt. Everyone has a mask they put on. They put this mask on to hide who they are. I don't think of these masks as being dishonest, I think they're just a part of life. I wear a mask everyday; sometimes it's a smile other times it's arrogance.

I feel empty, but it's not for what I didn't have, not because I was bullied, not because I hate my body, it can't be defined. I don't know why I'm sad, I just am. I have tell myself this is okay, even though I know there are sick people, hungry people, many people with far larger concerns than my simple cares. I have been working hard to not feel down about myself. I don't have any friends to express this to although I highly doubt that I would, even if I did have friends. There have been times when I was close to people who I considered to be a friend; many times I have come close to telling them my secrets, just to get them out in the open; to have someone to talk to about my concerns, but I've never told them.

I came across this poem that I like quite a bit.

The Mask

by Wolfgirl

A mask of plastic happiness often covers her sadness
Her beliefs hidden from most
Afraid of, but willing to face the unknown
Wondering where her place is in this life
She has come close to sharing herself
Never completely revealing anything to anyone
Feelings of invisible chains corner her
When she dreams, reality shatters before her very eyes
Accomplishments she strives for just at hands grasp
She feels lost sometimes, not yet finding her notch in this world
At times the glimmer in her calm eyes slowly disappears
But within her heart a silent flame burns her inside and out
She roams day by day, playing roles
Strength unknowingly resides in her
History repeats itself once again
The translucent veil she so proudly wears
Little by little answers will come, pushing it aside
One day there will be no more mask for her to wear
One day her beliefs will be known
One day she'll know her place in this life
One day she will share herself
ONE DAY this mask will be NO MORE

Lies and Gossip and Bitches Oh My!

Strangers lie, parents lie, best friends lie, you lie, people lie. Why do we lie? Each person is different, some lie about things because they are trying to protect someone or themselves, for some its uncontrollable, there are times when a lie is more simple or less hurtful than the truth, and there are some who lie for the enjoyment of the after effects of what shall come.

I remember a time when I would lie when I was playing hard to get by saying I'd call you back, and I'd call the next day saying I was busy and forgot. To me these were unnecessary, but still harmless. Does someone need to know what you are doing every second of the day, No. perhaps if I were in a relationship with the person it would be a different story, back then I wasn't, so that added to the fact why I really didn't care.

I would lie to myself. Constantly. I actually lied to myself more than I'd lie to other people. I tried to tell myself it was okay and I justify it with a reason that would actually work, if I weren't lying. I lied because it was easy, it was as easy as walking, something that came natural. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I slip back into my old ways and I lie again. Maybe I do it because I want to have a more extravagant life instead of my everyday regular life.

I try to be honest about my life with people I'm close to, but some how it always seems to back fire and I hear things later. People think that since I'm a quiet person, I have all these big secrets, when in face it's the opposite. I think I'm quiet and shy because first off I do care what other people think about me. I understand that its not healthy because everyone won't like me, and I don't care about everyone's opinion of me, but I still have ears. Another thing is I think I am a very interesting person, but I don't know how much anyone else thinks I am. I have heard people say that their first impression of me was that I was a bitch, and I asked why and was told because I was such a goody two shoes. I didn't think that could make someone a bitch, but hey, those are people's opinions and I can't change their thoughts.

I try to live my life right so that I can make it in heaven, I may not go to church every Sunday...well any Sunday if that matters. I try to respect my mother as much as I can even though we argue on a daily basis. I think that I missed out on a lot of high school and university experiences, by staying home and being to myself. I am still working out all the kinks, but some knots are really stuck in there. I try to be the best person I can, but sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on life lessons and experiences.

Self Worth and its Value

This my be the best thing I've seen in a while. We sometime don't see ourselves for the true beaut which we are. We are our own audience, how we believe ourselves to be is what others take us as. I may not always remember this, but deep down I don't forget.

I think the issue that comes to hand, well for me personally, that is self worth. I know what I think of myself and what I think I deserve. I don't give myself the best rating. This may come from years of self loathing or it may just be a honest view of myself.

      I think Charlie said it best we accept the love we think we deserve.

If we cannot love ourselves how can we expect or even ask someone else to do it for us. Now, while there may be those special people in life who were lucky enough to come across someone who saw something within them when they couldn't even see it themselves. The love they can get from that other person whether it be sexual or friendly can possibly be just the thing they need to learn to love themselves.

I feel that I cannot love another person until I can love myself. It's not that I hate myself, I just find so many things wrong with me that I think, oh what will they think when they find out about this or worse what will they say when they see this? I have many dreams of what I wish my life could be and I am constantly working on making improvements in my life and actually starting to find things I admire about me. I do think at some point I will learn to love myself for what and who I am, but today just isn't the day I can allow anyone to love me more than I love myself.

I've noticed that my opinions of how I see myself gives mixed reviews of how others see me. Since I have hair issues I try to keep it perfect, this has been since 7th grade, making sure it's straight and there are no strands poking out anywhere. It looked like a wig in high school because it was so perfect. I tend to overcompensate for many things, this leads people to think I am stuck up. When in fact I just like to keep to myself and make the choices I think are best for my life. I tend to avoid eye contact if it's not needed. I can do it, but to be on the safe side I try not to look at people because it feels like I can see them starring at every flaw I have on my body. It's like I can feel their judgement burning a hole into my soul. For this very reason I love to we're sunglasses; by wearing them I can look wherever I want without the worry they see me looking. When I wear sunglasses it gives me a sense of power, like, I have a new persona. This new persona, my Sasha Fierce, if you will, it shows and people who see me notice it.

I like to think that while I may think I suck, others don't even notice and they may think I'm the world.

To Be Or Not To Be In A Relationship...That's The Question

Why does almost everyone I know seem to think that I need to be in a relationship? I consider myself pretty nice looking, so I don't need someone to tell me that I am. Now, I'm not saying that's all there is to a relationship, but I just don't see the need to be in one. I finished University just a year ago and I have plans for myself to move out of state and I don't want or need a relationship to complicate things.

I do have or maybe now, had, a few prospects for becoming my beau. There's Lenny who I went to school with, but we sort of lost contact with one another. I find him very attractive and funny, the only thing is a he just got out of a long term relationship (I think it was his first love and all..) so I don't want to be the rebound girl that it doesn't work with because before he finally called it quits; he and his ex were the on, off, and back on type. I know he likes me because he flat out told me that he's into me. We only text and while I don't like talking on the phone I would like to at least be called once or twice.

I first met Chris....wait for it.....on Facebook. Now, while he was a complete stranger to me I had good friends who both went to school and were friends with him. He asked to take me out on a relaxed date. Chris and I had this nice time at the beach, we have a lot in common, but it took me forever to get it out of him, on FB he was way more talkative and I understand being able to say more in email, then when you are speaking the words in person. Now I have this nice approach to use when talking to someone you are interested in. Instead of facing each other you sit or stand side by side and it helps them relax as well as yourself. This helped a little with Chris, but not as well as I hoped. (I didn't say the approach was flawless..) He wanted to take our friendship further and become a couple. However, I wanted to be his friend more...we're good friends now (going on 5 years) and he's still quiet.

There's Juan who works in my old company. I don't know what really attracts me to him, I think it might be his sweet ways. He's the kind of guy who would send wake up texts and how was your day type of text. He also has a lot going for himself, he a nice job, he's still in University, has a place of his own and a nice looking car. I don't know if some people feel that having a car is a priority, but I am not the type of gal to be the driver all the time type, if you're gonna take me out you should pay and drive.

 If he invited you out, he's got to pay. -Beyonce Knowles

Now, don't go saying here's another gold digger, because I have my own. I have no problem paying for my own as well as treating, but what girl doesn't want and deserve to be treated. I know I do and I feel, if you can't give that to me don't waste my time. There are more guys in my life and it just seems like they don't want to move slow and they just want to jump into something, I could possibly foresee myself getting married and maybe having a baby girl, but right now, what's the rush?

When I see couples walking down the street I wonder what makes me not want that feeling too. It does sometimes bother me that I'm not attracted to men. I'm not attracted to women either! I do like men and the idea of what can be done with them, but it just doesn't work/click in my brain. I guess some would say I have issues, that may very well be true.

I just know at this age and time in my life I am not going to be the girl you see at the movies, skating rink, or anywhere; with a guy that is, I'll just be traveling solo.

Hey Out There

My plans for this blog are to keep my identity private as this will become 'some-what' of a diary. I want to freely say what I feel and need to express, so I think it will be of best interest for myself to stay unknown. To stay unknown some of the names will most likely be changed.

I hope to write everyday, but as we all know, life never really goes as planned.