The Masks We Wear

Sometimes I get so sick of feeling like I can't be myself, I want to embrace life for all it has to offer. I don't know what makes me feel like I am, like I am less than. I have always felt the need to block other people out of my life. It was always to make sure I couldn't be hurt. Everyone has a mask they put on. They put this mask on to hide who they are. I don't think of these masks as being dishonest, I think they're just a part of life. I wear a mask everyday; sometimes it's a smile other times it's arrogance.

I feel empty, but it's not for what I didn't have, not because I was bullied, not because I hate my body, it can't be defined. I don't know why I'm sad, I just am. I have tell myself this is okay, even though I know there are sick people, hungry people, many people with far larger concerns than my simple cares. I have been working hard to not feel down about myself. I don't have any friends to express this to although I highly doubt that I would, even if I did have friends. There have been times when I was close to people who I considered to be a friend; many times I have come close to telling them my secrets, just to get them out in the open; to have someone to talk to about my concerns, but I've never told them.

I came across this poem that I like quite a bit.

The Mask

by Wolfgirl

A mask of plastic happiness often covers her sadness
Her beliefs hidden from most
Afraid of, but willing to face the unknown
Wondering where her place is in this life
She has come close to sharing herself
Never completely revealing anything to anyone
Feelings of invisible chains corner her
When she dreams, reality shatters before her very eyes
Accomplishments she strives for just at hands grasp
She feels lost sometimes, not yet finding her notch in this world
At times the glimmer in her calm eyes slowly disappears
But within her heart a silent flame burns her inside and out
She roams day by day, playing roles
Strength unknowingly resides in her
History repeats itself once again
The translucent veil she so proudly wears
Little by little answers will come, pushing it aside
One day there will be no more mask for her to wear
One day her beliefs will be known
One day she'll know her place in this life
One day she will share herself
ONE DAY this mask will be NO MORE

Lies and Gossip and Bitches Oh My!

Strangers lie, parents lie, best friends lie, you lie, people lie. Why do we lie? Each person is different, some lie about things because they are trying to protect someone or themselves, for some its uncontrollable, there are times when a lie is more simple or less hurtful than the truth, and there are some who lie for the enjoyment of the after effects of what shall come.

I remember a time when I would lie when I was playing hard to get by saying I'd call you back, and I'd call the next day saying I was busy and forgot. To me these were unnecessary, but still harmless. Does someone need to know what you are doing every second of the day, No. perhaps if I were in a relationship with the person it would be a different story, back then I wasn't, so that added to the fact why I really didn't care.

I would lie to myself. Constantly. I actually lied to myself more than I'd lie to other people. I tried to tell myself it was okay and I justify it with a reason that would actually work, if I weren't lying. I lied because it was easy, it was as easy as walking, something that came natural. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I slip back into my old ways and I lie again. Maybe I do it because I want to have a more extravagant life instead of my everyday regular life.

I try to be honest about my life with people I'm close to, but some how it always seems to back fire and I hear things later. People think that since I'm a quiet person, I have all these big secrets, when in face it's the opposite. I think I'm quiet and shy because first off I do care what other people think about me. I understand that its not healthy because everyone won't like me, and I don't care about everyone's opinion of me, but I still have ears. Another thing is I think I am a very interesting person, but I don't know how much anyone else thinks I am. I have heard people say that their first impression of me was that I was a bitch, and I asked why and was told because I was such a goody two shoes. I didn't think that could make someone a bitch, but hey, those are people's opinions and I can't change their thoughts.

I try to live my life right so that I can make it in heaven, I may not go to church every Sunday...well any Sunday if that matters. I try to respect my mother as much as I can even though we argue on a daily basis. I think that I missed out on a lot of high school and university experiences, by staying home and being to myself. I am still working out all the kinks, but some knots are really stuck in there. I try to be the best person I can, but sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on life lessons and experiences.